Why Every Nonprofit Needs Couples Therapy: Inside the Executive Director–Board Chair Relationship  

I’ve been a board chair three times and executive director for the last 15 years, and there is one thing I know for sure: A healthy board chair-executive director relationship can make or break your organization.

Across nonprofits of every size and mission, boards will reorganize committees, rewrite bylaws, and launch strategic plans before addressing the primary governance relationship that quietly controls all aspects of a nonprofit. 

My therapist recently told me that dysfunction is the thing no one talks about. In a nonprofit, that can present as toxicity, a workplace fraught with hostility, or excessive micromanaging — not to mention the inequitable position in which many, often female, staff members find themselves.  

Staff fear that speaking up could lead to the unemployment line and, unfortunately, they are often right. 

Ideally the executive director-board chair partnership should function a lot like a good marriage — two people with shared responsibilities, different perspectives, and a foundation of trust, honest feedback, and a commitment to repair when things go wrong.  

Examining this relationship within the lens of couples therapy will help your nonprofit: 

• Improve daily communication and reduce unspoken tension 
• Clarify roles in ways that build trust rather than control 
• Model healthy conflict and repair for staff and board members 
• Minimize burnout and staff turnover by focusing on shared responsibility 

Most boards would rather invest time and resources in committee reports, events, and fundraising goals rather than relationships. And nonprofit staff — typical do-gooders and peacekeepers — tend to normalize this dysfunction. It’s sort of the elephant in the room. 

In 2012, I was working for a seemingly charismatic executive director, beloved by her board. What they didn’t know was that she actively promoted and encouraged a hostile work environment, fraught with workplace affairs and excessive drinking at staff social events. She often reveled in the infighting and jealousy between staff members vying for her attention.  

As a successful fundraiser praised by the board, I quickly became her target and, less than two years into my tenure, she stopped speaking to me. I still have no idea why. 

I am not surprised that this organization recently shut their doors abruptly. I wonder what might have been different if the board chair was trained on how to effectively partner with the executive director and how to intervene when her leadership behavior began to undermine the organization. 

Common Dysfunction Patterns Include: 

• Over-functioning executive director/under-functioning board chair: The executive director does all of the heavy lifting while the board chair stops by or calls occasionally. The result is resentment on the part of the executive director and confusion on the part of the board chair, who is not engaged enough to understand their role. 
• Micromanaging board chair: Blurred boundaries and second-guessing the decisions of the executive director. The executive director loses autonomy and their morale plummets. 
• Invisible or absent board chair: Well-intentioned but largely unavailable, this dynamic leaves the executive director feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated. 
• Excessively close personal relationship between the board chair and executive director: Both are avoidant of critical conversations because of their friendship. 

What Couples Therapy Teaches Us About Nonprofit Leadership 

Therapists rely on practical tools to help people communicate, clarify expectations, and repair relationships when they break down. These same tools can be used to create a successful board chair-executive director partnership — one built on trust, stability, and honesty.  

Begin with shared expectations — getting clear on your role in the relationship is the first step: 

• Who decides what? This is key and often a source of confusion. Hiring, firing, and day-to-day operations exist solely within the realm of the executive director while the board sets strategic direction for the organization as a whole. 
• Agree on no surprises at the board table — and what that actually means to each of you. 
• How do you prefer to communicate? How often and via what method? 
• What are the guidelines regarding response times? Is it 24, 36, or 72 hours? Or do you expect an instant response? 

Establish healthy conflict norms — learning how to fight fairly is a kill. Strong professional partnerships, like strong marriages, agree on:

• How to disagree 
• How to escalate concerns 
• How to stay focused on your mutual goals  
• Who to ask for help if you get stuck — a therapist, a mentor, a colleague, etc.  

Repair ruptures quickly. Addressing breakdowns early can often keep the partnership intact: 

• Never be too proud to apologize. We all make mistakes and ownership of those mistakes is not a weakness, but rather a strength. 
• “Save as draft” is one of my favorite tips. If you need to write that scathing email — and we’ve all been there — write it and save it as a draft. You’ll most likely find that deleting the email, rather than sending it, is the best path forward. 
• Along the same vein, much like good marriage advice, don’t go to bed angry. Try to work out the issue as soon as possible, before it festers. 

Protect boundaries: 

• Remember that the executive director is not staff to the board chair, and that the board chair is not the executive director’s boss in the day-to-day sense. Both share leadership — with distinct roles, mutual accountability, and clearly defined lanes. 

Taken together, these practices are not abstract leadership ideals — they are day-to-day behaviors that either get reinforced or ignored.  

Like couples therapy, insight alone does not create change. What creates change is consistency: Regular, intentional conversations that surface tension early, clarify expectations before they harden into resentment, and create space for repair when missteps inevitably occur. 

Therapy, they say, is a muscle that needs to be worked frequently for true change to take place. The executive director/board chair one-on-one, like a 50-minute therapy session, is one of the most effective tools to establish clear governance roles and responsibilities.  

Sample 1:1 Agenda  

You may find the following one-on-one agenda useful in planning your monthly meeting. And if you don’t have a monthly check-in, there’s no time like the present to establish a regular meeting schedule. 

Topics you may consider covering in your one-on-one meetings may include: 

1. Wins and what’s working 
2. What’s not working/where clarity is needed 
3. How can the board chair and other board members support you? 
4. Decisions regarding joint leadership 
5. Upcoming risks/tension 

If you are a board chair or an executive director reading this, the next step is simple: Schedule the conversation.  

Establish a regular one-on-one, name your expectations, and talk openly about how you work together — before conflict forces the issue.  

Most nonprofit crises don’t begin as crises; they begin as small misalignments that go unaddressed.  

Couples therapy teaches us that relationships don’t fail because people don’t care — they fail because people stop talking. Nonprofits can’t afford that silence. 

You might also like:

• Nonprofit Leaders Answer: What is a Contingency Plan Your Nonprofit Has for Unexpected Funding Cuts?
• Reimagining Restricted Revenue: A Simpler Path to Transparency
• Nonprofit ROI: How “Measuring the Good” Can Help Nonprofits Justify Investments
• The Case for Revenue-Led Budgeting 
• Do Nonprofits Pay Taxes? Do Nonprofit Employees Pay Taxes?

 

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